Derpy Age: Origins
by SpazzyJuice
Summary: We don't even know anymore. This just came up one night of Facebook chat. Like really. Expect nothing but randomness. As always. Retro and Juice have become Grey Wardens and have noticed that majority of the Dragon Age characters have been replaced by wrestlers. We warned you.


Retro and Juice were hanging out at Retro's house. Retro was playing Dragon Age Origins hoping to FINALLY get to the end. Juice sat next to her playing Dragon Age 2. They had gathered this day to watch Hell in a Cell on PPV.

"Dude no. Ryback won. Fuck you." growled Juice. Retro rolled her eyes.

"Bitch please. BEST IN THE WORLD!"

"You're right. Best in the world. Is that ref. All the respect."

"Dude why you hating? You liked Punk even before I did!"

"I'm just so sick of hearing about respect BLARGGGG!"

"Man whatever."

"Whatever to you Sir." They heard a storm brewing.

"Huh."

"Indeed." Was all they said before being struck once again.

"Great. Just great..." muttered Juice as she stood before Mouse. "I'M IN THE FUCKING FADE! THIS IS BULLSHIT!"

"I've been here since my-" started Mouse until Juice grabbed the collar of his robes and lifted him in the air.

"I. AM. IN. THE. GOD. DAMN. FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADEEEEEEE!" roared Juice as she threw him against the hillside. She sighed as she straightened her robes. "Oh yeah, I know you're the real test to my harrowing. I won't give in yadda yadda yadda now I'm going fight the sloth thing to get me some EXP bro. Peace." She strutted off destroying whatever spirit came across her path.

Retro found herself in a stone hallway. She glanced around in confusion for a moment. Before her was a door that she felt she absolutely had to go through like NOW. Looking to either side she saw.. nothing. Like the world wasn't rendered yet and she had no choice but to go forward. She attempted to go the other way anyway but just felt dizzy and found  
herself back at the door.

"Well then." Sighing she opened the door and strode in.

"-At least the smell will be the same. Ah pup I didn't see you the- are you alright?" For indeed Retro was most certainly NOT alright. For there stood Teryn Cousland, her in game father. And next to him stood none other than... Paul Hayman! Stuffed into a frill collared shirt in some mockery of sanity itself.

"What." Was all that she could get out. This was unprecedented! Had the two series really intertwined? Or had she finally gone mad!

"Er.. Hayman, you remember my daughter?"

"What."

"I see you've become a lovely young-"

"No. Nope. Denied." Retro turned and walked out of the room. Or tried. For there in the doorway, was none other than Stone Cold Steve Austin. Retro opened her mouth to speak. And promptly fainted.

Juice groaned as she tossed and turned on her bed. "Are you alright? Say something please!" a voice pleaded.

"Ugh...What do you want," Juice opened her eyes not to be greeted by Jowan, but by...John Morrison!? "HOLY SHIT!" Juice yelled as she fell off of her bed.

"I'm glad that you're alright-"

"ALRIGHT!? I JUST WENT THROUGH MY HARROWING AND NOW I'M STANDING FACE TO FACE WITH JOMO!" Juice curled up into a ball and began rolling back and forth on the floor. JoMo shook his head and continued talking to her.

"They carried you in this morning. I didn't even realize you were gone all night. I've heard about apprentices who never come back from Harrowings. Was it really that dangerous? What was it like?"

Juice continued to roll around all he managed to hear was her shouting, "FUCKING FAAAADDDDEEEEEE!"

Retro sat up awake in bed. Looking over she saw the whole of the Cousland family... plus Paul Hayman and Stone Cold. Okay, this was happening. WHY WAS THIS HAPPENING?

"Oh Dear we are so glad you're alright!" cried Teyrna Eleanor coming to give her a hug.

"Um... yeah. Sorry. I uh.. I'm not entirely sure what that was to be honest."

"Well, at least you're alright now Retro. We wanted to make sure before I left." said Fergus.

"Oh. Uh yes. I am fine now. Whatever it was I am over it." She twitched slightly. Nodding, Fergus left, followed by Teryn Cousland, Arl Hayman, and Stone Cold.

"Are you sure you're alright dear?" Asked her "mother".

"Yes. I'm fine I'd just...really like to rest."

"Well you do that then" Teryna Cousland straightened up and led Oren and Oriana from the room. As soon as they were gone Retro flopped back on the bed.

"Fucking wow."

Juice walked down the hallways of the tower making her way to the First Enchanter's office. "Maybe I've finally lost it. I'm starting to hallucinate fucking wrestlers in a DRAGON AGE GAME! Oh man I can't wait to tell Retro this one. Hey bro you wouldn't believe who I saw! Naw man, who did you see?" Juice opened the door to the office. "I just saw mother fucking STONE COLD!"

First Enchanter Irving, Greagoir and Stone Cold looked at the young mage. "NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. SO MUCH NOPE. I'M DONE! I JUST WANNA GO HOME!" Juice was pulling at her ginger hair.

"Could the Harrowing be doing this to her?" Stone Cold asked Irving. Irving shook his head.

"She always overreacts. Even as a child-" Irving started.

"YOU DON'T KNOW ME! NONE OF YOU KNOW ME!" Juice got down on her knees. "JUST KILL ME OR TURN ME TRANQUIL! I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!" Greagoir walked up to her.

"Knight-Commander..." Irving warned. Greagoir turned around and glared. "We wait."

Retro was awakened by the sound of a dog barking. Loudly. She glared at the dog.

"...Oh yeah." Getting out of the bed she put her armor on and grabbed her daggers. She threw open the door ducking as the arrows flew in. "Finally.. the part I'm good at!" She cried in delight as her dagger tore through the flesh and sinew of the man's neck. Another came at her with a sword which she side stepped slamming both daggers into the side of his head. Turning she saw two more soldiers down the hall... who appeared to be wetting their pants. "Oh please. You're soldiers. You've seen people die before!" She pouted putting her hands on her hips.

"Not..like..that!" cried one, just as an arrow went right through his left eye.

"Darling, thank goodness you're alright! I heard fighting and thought the worst!" Cried Lady cousland running over to her.

"To hell with this! These bitches are crazy!" cried the last remaining soldier running out. Retro watched as he got almost all the way to the door before sicking the dog on him.

"Yeah I'm fine uh, Mother. *OH GOD WHY* But... they got Oren and Oriana..." Retro told her with genuine sadness.

"Oh Maker no *MY SPLEEN*.. but! Those are Hayman's men! Why would *THAT BELONGS INSIDE ME* they attack us?"

"He *MY MOTHER WAS RIGHT* betrayed us and- I'm sorry but really? You are honestly surprised that that man turned out to be a traitor? Really?"

"Of course I'm surprised! Him and you're father have been friends for years!"

"Alright whatever then. I am so eager to be done with this you have no idea." And so off they set.

"Finally!" cried Retro as she pulled open the pantry door. "Oh. Right." On the ground lay Teryn Cousland bleeding out. Lady Cousland ran forward and offered to help him blah blah blah lovey dovey crap blah blah blah. Finally Stone Cold came into the room.

"I can help your daughter escape. But.. she must become a grey war-"

"Yes! I accept! Let's be gone! Uhhh I mean... Mother Father I love you and shall never forget you! And I'll avenge our name. Totally. Batman stuff. Gonna enjoy it too. Ok lets go."

Juice, JoMo and Lily stood outside the basement door covered in blood. "All this for a fat cow..." Juice mumbled.

"She's right there!" JoMo shouted. Juice looked over at him stared him down.

"You DO NOT know what I am about to go through. I CAN'T BELIEVE I WASTED MY TIME FOR SOME STUPID LOVE THAT WAS NEVER GONNA HAPPEN! I ALREADY TOLD IRVING THAT YOU ARE TRYING TO DESTROY YOUR PHYLACTERY AND EVEN IF I DIDN'T LILY IS GOING TO FIND OUT YOU'RE A BLOOD MAGE AND HATE YOU FOREVER! SO IT ENDS BADLY FOR YOU ANYWAY! DEAL WITH IT!" Juice ragged. Irving, Greagoir, some random templars and Stone Cold surrounded us. "YEAH HE'S A BLOOD MAGE. I WAS TOLD TO GO WITH HIM BY THE FIRST ENCHANTER. INVOKE THE RIGHT OF CONSCRIPTION. LETS GO! DONE WITH THIS!"

Retro and Juice shared a glance as they followed Stone Cold into Ostagar.

"-if it spreads to the north, Ferelden will fall."

"Hey, Austin!" there, in golden armor, stood none other than Zack Ryder. Retro and Juice shared a look of 'Are you serious bro!?' and turned back to him.

"King Zack! I didn't expect-"

"A royal welcome? I was beginning to worry that you'd miss all the fun bro!" a squeek emanated from Retro.

"Not if I could help it your Majesty."

"Then I'll have the mighty Duncan at my side for battle! It'll be awesome! The other wardens told me you found some new recruits! This them?" Retro squeaked again.

"Yes. Allow me to introduce them your Majesty."

"Hm I know this one. You're Bryce's youngest right? We haven't met yet, but your dad is like a total Broski. How is he?"

"Dead... Oh um. Dead your Broness. He was betrayed by Arl Hayman."

"Er yes your Majesty. I hadn't meant to tell you so-"

"Are you serious Bro? Well rest assured! Once this Blight stuff is taken care of, we will turn our gaze toward Arl Hayman Bro! This is totally not cool! We're gonna fist pump his face!" He turned to Juicey. "And this is.."

"Uhhh...I'm Juice and I...think I love you..." Juice said zoning out staring at King Zack.

"I'm totally sorry broskett I have to leave," Zack put on his broski shades, "I have to sit with Vickie and still to her go on about some stupid strategy to fight the darkspawn. THAT WE TOTALLY DON'T NEED!" Retro and Juice looked at each other.

"Umm your Broness don't you mean you need to see Loghain?" Retro asked with a hopeful smile.

"No I'm pretty sure her name is Vickie..." Juice shot her arms up in the air and walked ahead of them. "Is she alright?"

"I'm pretty sure she's feeling what I'm feeling..."

"What's that?"

"Violence. Rage. You know the general feeling of hatred."

"Yeah I do. I do." He glared into the distance for a moment. "Well anyway I'm off. And remember Broskett. Take care, spike your hair!" And with that he turned and wandered into Ostagar. Stone Cold turned to Retro and gestured that they should follow the others into the camp.

"So what did you think of the king?"

"He's awesome!"

"... Uh huh. I'm worried that he's not taking the blight seriously. He's looking for glory. I fear all he shall find is death... are you ok?" For Retro had frozen and gone completely pale.. well. Paler. How had they forgotten? The king! He...dies!

"Ah fine. Sir I think I should go find Juicey."

"Hm. Indeed. There are some other recruits as well. You should meet them if you can. And there is a grey warden I think you should meet as well. His name is John. He should be over that way. I shall be at the fire pit if you need me." And with that he wandered off. Retro started to go in the direction Juice had gone before she paused.

"John? No way! there is no friggin way!" and she ran off in the direction of her Juice.

Retro had searched the whole camp and finally saw Juice playing with the Mabari. "Retro look! Puppies!" Juice cheered with happiness as one of the Mabari pounced on her and began to lick her face. Retro looked away with disgust.

"Gross. But dude more important matters." Retro said trying to look at her slobber covered friend.

"What could be more important than puppies!?"

"Derp."

"Derp?"

"Derp." Juice cleaned herself off with magic and left the Mabari kennel. The two girls set off were Stone Cold said John was located. On the way there Retro noticed someone leaning up against a tree. "I don't think that's Wynne..."

"I wouldn't surprised at this point. Oh no..."

"YES! SO MUCH YES!" Retro shouted running towards the tree. Juice grabbed Retro's arm immediately pulling her back in the direction of the derp. "BUT JUUUUUIIIICCCEEEEE! HE IS THE ALL MIGHTY AWESOMENESS!"

"NOOOOOPPPPEEEE!"

"But he will prevent the apocalypse!"

"Derp!"

"...You're right lets go." So they made their way over to where John was meant to be. "Oh holy mother of fuck it really is him!" For there before them, in ARMOR no less, was the one and only John Cena. Derpiest of derps. "Dude I can't. WE ARE NOT WORTHY!"

"Dude! You're Retro!"

"...You're right. Lets do this! Bring it on!" And so they moved forward and triggered the cutscene.


End file.
